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男孩也好女孩也好,一起看看幾米的讀白吧......
1.很清楚的知道她不合適自己,可是更確定的是他不會主動說分手。
他只是耗著等著,直到有一天女生自己受不了忽冷忽熱、若即若
離的態度,或是等到年華老去不得不下決定時,自己選擇離開。
妳的主動離開,我沒有負心,反而是尊重與成全妳的決定。
2. 半年後發現,他居然可以跟一個只認識三個月的女生步入禮堂,
令她晴天霹靂,才明白他不是不想結婚,不是真的不婚主義者,
說穿了只是他不想跟妳結婚。八年的愛情長跑比不上三個月的感情。
3.
這位故事中的男生是我的朋友,現在也已經結婚半年。
當他聽到劉若英的「後來」,居然會無法克制的流眼淚,想起
的是他交往八年的前任女友。
為什麼會難過,因為妻子身上有著前任女友的影子,
他才明白其實他喜歡的就是這種類型的女孩。
4.
可是人往往很矛盾,
喜歡她的倔強與有性格,卻受不了她的嬌縱。
喜歡她的落落大方,卻受不了她的朋友一堆;
你愛她的小家碧玉,就不要怪她不夠大方;
你愛她的活潑大方,就不要批評她像花蝴蝶一樣。
戀愛談的愈長,結婚的可能性就愈低,
所以有時候戀愛的長度與結婚的可能性成反比。
5.
喜新厭舊是人性,日子久了,會結婚不是為了愛情,而是責任
感的驅使。婚後的他才慢慢的發現,當時的那一段感情其實不
是不愛,是時間太久了太長了,把愛情給磨掉了,再遇到另一
個女孩點燃了愛情的火苗,星星之火足以遼源,把枯竭已久的
愛情給予生命,所以倉促的決定結婚。
等到真的結婚後,愛情降了溫,才慢慢的發現其實妻子的身上
有著許多前任女友的影子,他比較愛的人其實還是前任女友,
可是他娶的卻不是她。
這樣的情節不知道是不是也在別處同樣上演著?
6.
學生時代的愛情很單純,出社會以後總想等工作穩定以後再結
婚,工作穩定以後又想等有一點積蓄買車子、買房子以後再結
婚,等著等著,等到愛情被時光給消磨,等到第三者介入點燃
了對方心中激情的火苗,乾柴烈火不可收拾以後,曾經在年少
一起織夢的理想全都抵擋不了新鮮感的激情,所以琵琶別抱,
到最後步入禮堂的都不是在一起同甘共苦、共同經歷過寒、暑
假,等當兵的人。
7. 所以奉勸各位女孩子,
如果對方真的是你想結婚的對象,不要想著有房子有車子有金
子,有了一切再結婚。
現實是,等他有了一切,他的身價暴漲是有價值的單身貴族,
他必需要面臨的是更多的誘惑,妳長久以來的等待與年輕時許
下的山盟海誓都難以抵擋誘惑排山倒海的來。
就像我現在若不嫁他,非得等到他有車子有房子還有存款時再
結婚,那時新娘有極高的可能不是我。
因為要等到什麼都有還要幾年?
?
有能力的男人就像酒愈久愈香醇,女人則像麵包一樣有賞味期
限,青春是女人的天敵。
如果我是他,等到我三十五歲,什麼都有是個有上千萬身價的
黃金單身漢,我並不需要一個很有能力而年過三十的女人來幫
襯我,我寧可選個如花似玉,年輕貌美的女生,也許沒有什麼
工作能力,至少發揮了賞心悅目的功能,一個真正有能力的男
人,不會在乎一個女人是否能在他的財富上加乘。
遇上對的人,莫等待莫蹉跎,也許沒有房子沒有車子,只要他
認真上進,他就是張有潛力的積優股,早點進場獲利更高。
8. 也提醒各位男士,
如果對方真的是你想好好疼愛的女人,別讓她等太久,
有她一起陪你奮鬥應該是很美好的一件事除非你心中有其他的想法,
否則別讓愛情等太久,把真愛都磨掉了!雖然聽起來很殘忍,但
身邊的家人朋友都有類似的例子。
真愛,就不要等,除非是不想結婚......
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真愛,就不要等,除非是不想結婚
Labels: Jokes
Dictionary Updates by Oxford (Jokes)
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**Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
**Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
**Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'.
**Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
**Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
**Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power
**Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
**Classic: books that people praise, but do not read.
**Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
**Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
**Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
**Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
**Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
**Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
**Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
**Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
**Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
**Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway 'See, I am not injured yet.'
**Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
**Father: A banker provided by nature.
**Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
**Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
**Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
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Labels: Jokes
電話 prank
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一定要講得比歹徒還毒的話 讓他無法接招
昨天接到一個不認識的電話,不像本土口音,上來就直呼我的名字!
「王總!」
「你是誰呀?」
「你的老朋友啊」
「誰呀?」
「台東的老朋友啦,連我的聲音你都聽不出來了?」
「你是?」
「哎呀,王總你貴人多忘事啊」
我是真的被問住了,想不起來這個聲音,又寒暄了半天,對方就是不說自己的名字,最後我不耐煩了,「你不說就算了」我就把電話掛了。後來想想有點不對勁,可能是騙子,如果我把對方的聲音認做某個老朋友,對方就會想辦法講故事騙錢了。我就按照剛才顯示的號碼把電話撥回去了。我說:「你是台東的張XX吧」
「對呀對呀對呀,看看,我說你貴人多忘事,連我的聲音都聽不出來了。」「對不起啊,XX,我還以為誰和我開玩笑吶」
「王總啊,我準備去台北出差,順便請你吃飯……」
我問:「XX,你母親的癌症怎麼樣了」
對方呆了一下:「喔……還是老樣子」
「唉,得了這病也沒辦法。你爸車禍的案子結了嗎?」
「喔……差不多了」
「行啊,人都走了,賠不賠的也別太在意了~」
「嗯...」
我又問:「強姦你老婆的流氓逮到了沒啊?」
「逮到了,逮到了」
我又問「你兒子沒屁眼的手術做了沒啊?」
……
對方沈默了10秒種,沒說出話來,把電話掛了...
1....多讀書啦 ....
有個孩子叫志昶(唸場),媽媽突然接到手機,
對方哭得很悽慘:「媽,我是志"永"啊,我被打了,快救我啊……」
媽媽很鎮定地回答:「不要怕,那個字唸"場" ,乖喔……」
詐騙歹徒:「……」(立刻掛電話)
據說這是真人真事,報紙上刊過。
2.. 個人經驗
手機響了:「XXX先生,根據資料顯示,三分鐘前,
你剛剛在燦坤用XX現金卡刷了一筆兩萬六千元的款項,
請問有這回事嗎?」
「有啊!那是我刷的。」
「啊……您剛剛在燦坤用XX現金卡刷了一筆兩萬六千元的款項……」
「是啊,那是我刷的」
「這……你……真的刷的嗎?」
「對。」
「那你……你可不可以和我對一下帳戶和密碼?」
「好。」(一陣死寂)
「先生,請您和我對一下帳戶和密碼。」
「幹!你不唸我怎樣核對啊?」
「你……請你唸一下帳戶和……」(火速掛掉)
3.. 網路真人真事
「嗚哇嗚嗚嗚.. (小孩哭聲)」
歹徒:「你家的小孩在我手上,快匯二十萬到...」
「我就是我家的小孩 =_= 」剛變聲小六生的無奈
4. 我 : 你好, 我剛剛收到簡訊說我在新光三越消費
歹徒 : 給我你的刷卡編號
我 : (簡訊裡有) 66723
歹徒 : 小姐請問貴姓
我 : 林
歹徒 : 全名是
我 : 志氣的志,玲瓏的玲(忍住笑,好想笑喔)
歹徒 : ..........(遲疑)
林...志玲小姐,剛剛有人在台中新光三越
將您的花旗信用卡開卡後,盜刷16800元喔
我 : 是嗎,錯了吧
歹徒 : 錯了?!
你趕快到提款機去更改密碼,否則會被盜領帳戶喔
我 : 不是不是,卡是我刷的,我刷了16萬喔,不是1萬6
歹徒 : .........你剛剛在新光三越
我 : 我現在還在新光三越
歹徒 : 可是警察說你被盜刷喔
我 : 好吧,被你抓到了,我是林志玲的妹妹,我盜刷了我姐的卡,
我準備要去自首
歹徒 : .........嗯 (押住電話,小聲跟旁人說,過來一下,她
盜刷別人的卡ㄟ)
另一歹徒 :小姐,你的行為是犯法的,不過我們可以幫你脫罪
我 : 感謝,怎麼脫罪
歹徒 : 林 小姐,方便告訴我你全名嗎,我幫你查查資料,或許還沒入帳
我 : 雙木林,姥姥的姥,牡丹花的牡,我是林姥牡(台语"你老母")啦~
歹徒 : ...(掛電話)
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Labels: Jokes
Jokes
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Jokes of the day...........
1. There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box.
The Female pencil got pregnant !!
Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
2. Woman in bed with husband's best
friend,
phone rings! "YES".. OK, BYE".
She turns to her lover and says,
THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH
YOU.
3. Three Roosters: normal, retarded and a gay.
Normal : cock-a-doodle-dooo !!!
Retarded : doodle-cock-a-dooo !!!
Gay : any-cock-will dooo !!!
4. Three Guys were introduced to a girl.
Hi,.... I'm Peter, not a saint.
I'm Paul not a POPE.
I'm John not a Baptist...
The girl replied.. Hi.. I'm Mary, not a VIRGIN.
5. Girlfriends are appetizers. Tastes good at any time.
Mistresses are Tomyams..Hot and spicy. Eaten
frequently.
WIVES are Maggie. Eaten when there's nothing to
eat.!!!
6. Income Tax office asked a Prostitute why she puts
her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER.
She replied: I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR.!!
7. Yesterday's News :- A nun jogging at Jogger'
Park was raped by 4 guys.
Today's News :- Nearly 100 nuns found
jogging at the park.
8. Why do Indians talk non stop?
Guess.... Still dunno? OK lah.....
Answer : Becoz they left their full stop on
their forehead.
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Labels: Jokes
Disorder In The Court (Joke)
These are from a book called Disorder in the American
Courts, and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
___________ __________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,
how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls! ?
WITNESS: Are you sh****n' me? Your Honor, I think I
need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
-- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, ! Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law
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Labels: Jokes
Just For Laughs
One fine day, Prime Minister Goh visited India to meet their PM
tonegotiate trade terms.
During the lunch break the Prime Minister of India suggested taking PM Goh
fora spin in his helicopter and view India's city lifestyle. As PM
Goh was enjoying the bird's eye view from above, he noticed an
overpopulatedvillage with unhygienic living conditions. A man was even
shitting in his
backyard. PM Goh was fast to comment how unsightly it is and that
India'speople
are so uncivilised. India's PM was so humiliated and vowed to himself
thathe'll humiliate PM Goh when he gets to visit S'pore.
When he really did visit S'pore the following month, PM Goh too offered him
aride in his helicopter to see the Singaporean lifestyle.
For a whole hour, India's PM was trying to spot a fault. Finally he saw a
placewhere people literally littered the streets, and as he had a
closer look, he even noticed a man shitting on the grass verge. He quickly
pointed
out to PM Goh about it and said, "You said Singapore was nothing likeIndia.
How do you account for this?" PM Goh looked closer, smiled and replied
"Aaahhh.. we called that place - Little India".
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Labels: Jokes
Just For Laughs
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.
Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Carolyn agreed and
again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said,
"Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then
afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the
shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up
abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....
but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
-----------------------------------
A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored
hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of
rags, his legs are bare and he's without shoes. His face and ears are
riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who
just glares at him for about ten miles. Finally the punk gets self
conscious and spits at the old man: "What 'er you starin' at you old fart,
didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?!"
Without missing a beat the old man replies: "Yeah. Back when I was in the
Navy I got real drunk in Singapore and screwed a parrot. I thought maybe
you was my son."
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Labels: Jokes
Just For Laughs
Mr. Samy-vellu went for the recent United Nations' Meeting.
He represented the Malaysian Prime Minister. All nations were discussing
about space exploration by the year 2003.
Here are some of the conversations:
China Delegate : "By the year 2003, China will start their moon exploration project."
Russian Delegate : "We too, we are going to explore the moon.
This time we will see to it that our cosmonauts will step on the moon."
George Bush Clinton : "We the United States will also explore the moon
for the second time."
Malaysian Delegate: "By the year 2003, Malaysia will explore the sun."
There was a long silence. Bush stood up and asked the Malaysian Delegate:
"Isn't it too hot to explore the sun?"
Samy Vellu (after a long silence): "We will do it in the evening."
-----------------------------------
AH LIAN JOKES!!!
Ah Lian and Ah Huay excited and locked the car in a hurry,forgetting to
remove the key which was in the ignition. Realizing the mistake,Ah Lian
asked, 'Why don't we get a coat hanger to open it.' 'No, that won't work'
answered Ah Huay. 'People will think we're trying to break in.'
Then Ah Lian suggested, 'What if we use a pocket knife to cut around the
rubber, then stick a finger in and pull up the lock?' 'No,' said Ah Huay.
'People will think we're too stupid not to use a coat hanger.'
The kan chiong Ah Lian shouted, 'we'd better think of something fast. It's
starting to rain and the car sunroof is open!'
-----------------------------------
PIZZA
Ah Lian ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if she should cut it in six
or twelve pieces. “Six, please. I cannot finish eat twelve pieces.”
-----------------------------------
DEAD BIRD
"Oh, look at the dead bird." Ah Lian looked skyward and said
"Where ah? Where got?"
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Labels: Jokes
Just For Laughs
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long
it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde
says, and hangs up.
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the
newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the
manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring.
The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed
the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the
factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager
went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the
blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two
testicles!''
A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling
to her husband "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All
$10,000,000....
"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies.
"Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"
"Who cares", she replies, "Just f**k off!"
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Labels: Jokes
Just For Laughs
A little girl was walking along a beach in California when
she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper
covering his genitals.
The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"
The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"
The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.
Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excruciating pain.
"Where the hell am I?"
A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency
help, so we rushed you right over."
"Well, what the hell happened to me?"
"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening
to you today?"
The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just
before I fell asleep."
The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was
still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened
to that nice man you saw here earlier?"
"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little
bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,
broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
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Mr Bean Jokes
1) MR. BEAN SEES A DOCTOR :
Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean : Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean : Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor : Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean : Because that proves that I have a brain!
2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:
Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean : 9
Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!
3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:
Mr. Bean : I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.
Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?
Mr. Bean : Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!
4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:
Friend : What are you looking at?
Mr. Bean : I know your PIN no., hee, hee.
Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?
Mr. Bean : four asterisks (****)!
5) MARRIAGE:
Friend : How many women do you believe must a man marry?
Mr. Bean : 16
Friend : Why?
Mr. Bean : Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4 worse.
6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:
Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?
Mr. Bean : What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.
Friend : What tape did you take anyway?
Mr. Bean : Head Cleaner.
7) DEATH OF HIS MOTHER:
Mr. Bean :(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend : condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder
Friend : what now?
Mr. Bean : my sister just called, her mom died too!
8) MR. BEAN ATTENDING A MEETING:
Colleague : Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because of a power failure.
Mr. Bean : That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3 hrs.
9) SPELLING LESSON:
Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c or two c?
Mr. Bean : Make it three c to be sure!
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Great Jokes 狠笑話
Here's a joke to boost a smile during Chinese New Year ^_^ Hope you enjoy it maybe you can practise the jokes on others too XD
一對情侶吵架。
女:你每一樣東西都比不上任何人!
男:對,尤其是女朋友!
**********************************
餐廳中…………
你們這兒有什麼招牌菜?
先生,我們這兒最有名的是燕窩。
不了,我不吃動物吐出來的東西,太沒衛生了。
那您想吃什麼?
先來一份雞蛋吧!
*********************************
一天有一對非常要好的朋友一起喝酒。
A君突然對B君說:ㄝ∼……你老婆不是不讓你喝酒嗎?怎麼……?
B君答:我在家就像是奔馳在沙漠中的老虎。我會怕她!哈哈……!
不久他老婆從外買菜回來!
B君突然大叫:快!快!快!……武松回來了!幫我把桌子收拾一下。
***********************************
情人節時……………
女:親愛的……!我喜歡大大的玩偶!
七夕時…………
女:親愛的……!我喜歡法國香水!
生日時…………
女:親愛的……!鑽石代表永遠……!
聖誕節時…………
女:親愛的……!我…………
男:等一下,寶貝……!妳有沒有喜歡便宜的東西?
女:有啊!我 最喜歡你了!
********************************
女:你喜歡我天使的臉孔,還是魔鬼的身材?
男:我…………我喜歡你的幽默感。
*********************************
妹妹:哥,你是我見過最愛乾淨的人。
小明:過獎了!你是怎麼看出來的?
妹妹:不管什麼事,你都推得一乾二淨。
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Sardar Jokes
Boss: Where were you born?
Sardar: India ..
Boss: which part?
Sardar: What 'which part'? Whole body was born in India .
2 sardars were fixing a bomb in a car.
Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb
explodes while fixing.
Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.
Sardar: What is the name of your car?
Lady: I forgot the name, but is starts with 'T'.
Sardar: Oh, what a strange car, starts with Tea. All cars that I know start with petrol.
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer. Boss was happy and asked "what you did till evening?"
Sardar: Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.
Sardar: Thank God! I thought it was a new one.
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!
Sardar: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?
Sardar: U cheated me.
Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.
Sardar: Radio label shows Made in Japan but radio says this is 'All India Radio! '
NOW THE LAST TWO ULTIMATE:
In an interview, Interviewer: How does an electric motor run?
Sardar: Dhhuuuurrrrrrrrrr. .....
Inteviewer shouts: Stop it.
Sardar: Dhhuurrrr dhup dhup dhup...
Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?
Sardar: An old king's skeleton.
Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?
Sardar: That was same king's skeleton when he was a child
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Phone Prank
不爽﹐生氣﹐抓狂﹐哭笑不得的分別> 有一天﹐
兒子問爸爸: 爸爸, 不爽﹐生氣﹐抓狂﹐哭笑不得的分別是甚麼意思﹖
爸爸﹕要解釋很難﹐不如讓我來示範。
首先﹐爸爸拿了一本電話簿﹐隨機選出一個人。然後打電話給那個人。順便把電話調到擴音器模式。
VICTIM﹕HELLO﹖
爸爸﹕HELLO﹐ 請問 kanina cau ci bai 在家嗎﹖
VICTIM﹕你打錯電話啦﹗
爸﹕你不要騙我啦﹗
VICTIM﹕我騙你幹嘛﹗神經病﹗ (蓋了電話)
爸﹕哪﹐兒子﹐這個就是 '不爽'。現在來看甚麼是生氣。
(兒子點頭)
(過了5分鐘﹐爸爸再打一次電話給那個人)
VICTIM﹕HELLO﹖
爸﹕請問kanina cau ci bai有在家嗎﹖
VICTIM﹕怎麼又是你﹖都跟你講了你打錯電話了﹗
爸﹕我沒打錯電話啊﹗
VICTIM﹕你這個神經病﹐你到底是誰﹖
爸﹕我是誰你還不懂﹖我是Nia Bu啦﹗
VICTIM﹕%^&*$#@﹗你是Nia Bu我還Nia Sing咧﹗白痴﹗(大力蓋電話)
爸﹕哪﹐兒子。這個就是'生氣'。懂了嗎﹖
兒子﹕喔我懂了﹗
爸﹕現在來看下甚麼是抓狂﹗(又打電話給那個可憐的人)
那個人一拿起電話就咆哮了﹗
VICTIM﹕你這個吃飽沒事做的神經病﹗整天打電話來干擾我﹐要不是我的電話沒有
CALLER ID我早就報警了你這個變態佬。。。。
爸﹕(刻意壓低聲音)ERM。。。。請問林先生在嗎。。。。﹖
VICTIM﹕啊﹗很對不起﹗剛剛有個變態一直打電話來。。。
爸﹕喔﹐沒關係﹐請問kanina cau ci bai在家嗎﹖
VICTIM﹕ ##$W$#^^%$E$%^$&^%R%^$^&%^$^%$﹗﹗﹗﹗﹗
這一次﹐爸爸蓋上了電話。
爸﹕你現在知道分別了吧﹗等下你媽媽要回來了﹐我們可以吃晚餐了﹗
兒子﹕可是爸爸﹐你還沒有講解甚麼是哭笑不得﹖
爸﹕喔﹐那個要等到晚上12點啦﹗
(晚上12點﹐爸爸搖醒兒子﹐然後又打電話給那個人)
VICTIM﹕HELLO。。。。。﹖(睡到一半被吵醒)
爸﹕我是kaninai cau ci bai﹐有誰打電話找我啊﹖
VICTIM﹕。。。。。。。。。。。。
爸爸好厲害啊﹗
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